Things really suck right now, so I thought I'd write about what I'm going through in the form of the Stages of this Breakup, which will mainly cover the visits I received from particular entities, similar to A Christmas Carol.

A bit contrived, yes, but if you don't like it, you can suck my Dickens.

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Just in case you missed any.

Stage 2

Stage 1 - Relief

At almost the exact instant the Girl and I simultaneously had decided that we weren't going to be a couple anymore, Relief showed up. He kind of sashayed through the door, laid a gentle hand on my head, and began rubbing the Girl's shoulders quite skillfully. At least I thought it was quite skillful, as she seemed to sink into her chair about 2 feet. I thought she was actually deflating, like an old Tractor-tire innertube but, as it turns out, she was simply feeling the full effects of Relief.

Relief didn't stay long, because he's not that long-term kind of guy, but he threw out what he could, made me feel better, and took off.

. . .

Hey man, think of it, your worries are over.

"They are? Bullshit. There's still so much about this that's gonna suck."

Yeah, yeah, just think though� All the regular shit that you stress about, all the shit that's been bothering you for so long, it all goes away with this.

"Stress? Goes away? I don't think so pal."

Oh, Come On! It's time to relax! No more worrying about her, no more worrying about the relationship, no more fears of drunken tears, no more screaming breakdowns in the kitchen, you're free! That ridiculous amount of energy you used to spend on the damn relationship can now go to something FUN, like your Antique Train Set!

"Wha? Antique� I don't have an Antique Trai�"

SO GET ONE! That's the beauty of this! You can relax and do whatever you want! Go nuts!

"Yeah, I can sit in the living room, eating ice cream naked, and play with my Antique Train Set. Toot toot!"

The World is your oyster! Suck that bitch down!

"Yay! No more stress. Whew! What a Relief!"

You said it, buddy.

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Relief left me feeling good for somewhere between 17 minutes and 8 hours. The feeling was sure to pass, but he refused to let on what was coming next. This was probably because I never would have believed him, or kicked him in the balls.