Oh yeah, gonna have me some kids. The Girl doesn�t know it yet, but I replaced all her Pills with aphrodisiacs made from monkey testicles. She�s gonna be all over me and we�ll start the PROCREATING.

I made the decision to be a father when I discovered something beautiful. Toys.

The folks at work finally made a concerted effort, today, to try and get me to actually work. It took some doing, but I fought like a tiger, and only did the really easy shit that other people didn�t have time for (yeah, so they�re busy, so am I, you think it�s EASY to beat the computer at chess? Fucker cheats).

They finally resorted to just having me help clear out an unused cubicle so we could put a temp in there next week. Yay, physical labor. They pulled CoworkerBuddy in there with me, �cause he�s big and strong like me (flexing like a big-boy).

He and I got the boxes moved, but then ManagerGal starts going through them and picking shit out.

THIS doesn�t belong here, THIS doesn�t go here, Judd run this over to LazyAssWhosOnlyHereTwoDaysAWeek�s cube, wouldya?

Then we found the GUNS.

TWO, count �em, Two, perfectly-pristine-in-actual-working-condition Nerf Dart guns.

CoworkerBuddy says wistfully, �Must�ve been from when the company actually let us have fun.�

SourAss.

So I shot him.

Point blank.

And the fucking thing stuck perfectly in the middle of his forehead.

I discovered I am a fucking ninja with Nerf Darts.

I can shoot with a practiced precision, and, when fired upon, can snatch the dart out of the air Jackie Chan-style.

Okay, half of �em hit me in the face or the junk, but I always, ALWAYS get the shooter back. Usually when they�re trying to work. Suckers.

Sweet Jeezus, how did I go for so long here without TOYS?!?

So, I was planning on going to Toys �R Us (even though they can�t get that fucking �R� right, for chrissake) and I�m getting me some cool-ass toys.

I looked online and found Nerf Dart guns that have rotating cylinders, rapid-fire-semi-autos, clip-fed double whammys, and smaller Derringer-style single shots (perfect for shooting someone in the nuts when in an insufferably boring meeting).

This shit rocks.

Then, I figured that I may get some shit for buying a bunch of toys with no kids.

Oh, I�ve got a slew of nephews and a niece, but they ain�t getting any of this cool shit. Oh no, these are all MINE. I�ll get �em some crayons or something glittery. Kids like that shit right?

The only way to play it straight though, is to start having some kids of my own. Hell, I figure it�ll be at least 5 years or so before they�ll actually want to play with MY toys. �Til then I can just give �em squishy, colorful, amoeba-like, amorphous creatures and let them drool and shit their baby-juices all over those.

They�ll not come near my Nerf Arsenal.

Unless I get to shoot them.

But I�m told that�s not cool to do with kids until they�re at least a few weeks old.

I may do it anyway. I AM an awesome shot after all, and the dogs book it outside the minute I even reach for anything shooty. Pussies.