While losing my ice hockey game last night, I ran into another one of those mega-cocky fuckbags that plays down a level to feel like he's got a big penis or something.

He shot at me all night from all angles and got no goals, yet, every time he hit the crossbar or came close, he'd skate by me and smirk. Smirk cockily, no less.

So I tried to explain to him that he was welcome to attempt more shots if he'd like by saying, "Keep trying, fuckbucket!"

He didn't appreciate that, still, he kept trying, must be a real go-getter, that one.

I thought I was so damn clever, thinking up the word "fuckbucket" until I read Dinky's diary and saw that she described her day as "Fuckity buckets."

Damn those Aussies and their unique way of wording things.

I swear they can say the dumbest thing the neatest way.

I could say, "I gotta go take a shit," but an Aussie would say, "I'm gonna show my arse a ringadingsaroo," or something like that.

Me and the Girl are off to fabulous PUEEEERRRRRTO VALLARRRRRRRRTA tomorrow. She got us a smokin' deal through her work, so we get to pretend we're fat, American, tourists for a few days.

I've already got my translation book handy. Here are some helpful phrases I've found:

No gracias, si he obtenido la abundancia de mierda barata en mi casa que hice fuera de papel de cresp�n y mierda de asno ya.

No thank you, if I've got plenty of cheap shit in my house that I made out of crepe paper and donkey shit already.

�Por qu� mantiene la sopa saliendo de mi como?

Why does soup keep coming out of my ass?

S�, usted puede besar a mi novia, pero quiero una bebida de su tequila primero, tu quiera uno tambi�n

Yes, you can kiss my girlfriend, but I want a drink of your tequila first, you might want one too.

�Lechastes un pedo, o asi jueles?

Did you fart, or do you just smell that way?

They're gonna love me.