A great many things have changed in my life from this time last year, and I think it's safe to say that the majority of them were spawned from one night in late July, and the following week.

Things basically fell apart between me and The Girl about 4 months after we got engaged. My life had been good, if not great, and this blog had been urination, hockey, and sarcasm-driven up until one day when I sat down and wrote out the entire novel-sized story of me and The Girl.

I posted it with some trepidation, never knowing the incredible outpouring of support and friendship that would come from all the people that read it. At last count, I'd received 150 emails concerning that entry, from people that I'd never met and only knew me from this diary. I read them all and each and every one of them touched me.

But, I saved only 4.

I don't know why I did, but they were the 4 that hit me the closest to my heart. Interestingly enough, I never went back and re-read them until after The Girl had moved out and I was flailing about in desperate need for understanding and empathy.

One woman, a Dlander, was curious about what had caused the entire episode, but was practical, realistic, and motherly all at the same time. Despite her sometimes-debilitating illness and all the other shit in her life, she offered her friendship, and I was glad to have it.

Another Dlander, made a visible display of dropping the flirtatiousness of our previous communications and offered herself, openly and honestly, as a friend. She and I still share drunken-single-and-lonely emails to this day.

Yet another Dlander, Ochweidnit, was someone that I'd never communicated with, beyond a short email about her screen name, and she wrote to me with an amazing insight into my own soul.

The last email mystified me as it was completely anonymous, but also because it had the same insight into who I am as Ochweidnit's email, as well as an interesting piece of self-awareness. It seemed like it was written by someone that was very much like me, and that they had written it intending it to be advice for me, as well as what they'd like to hear as advice in their own life. It somehow said to me that this person knew who I was, without ever actually saying it.

I wrote Ochweidnit back, and we developed a wonderful friendship. She initially posted a risque picture in her diary in the hopes of lightening my spirits, and deftly parried away my flirtatious advances as we shared any manner of things going on in our lives. She also continually mentioned her sister, their unique bond, and all the shit that was going in her sister's life.

The more she wrote and the closer we became, the more the anonymous email felt eerily familiar. I finally replied to the unknown emailer and asked if "anonymous" was in fact the sister that I had heard so much of.

FemmeAustralis replied right away, gave me props for figuring it out, and told me that she hadn't told me who she was because she wanted me to read the message for what it was and not for who it was from.

Over the next couple months, the three of us spent many hours chatting online, and I did my best to keep my dealings with FemmeAustralis strictly in the context of me and her sister's friendship. The truth is, after I figured out that she'd sent that email, I saw someone so much like me that I knew, if given any opportunity, Heart would begin it's wanting and I would have more of a mess than I already had with MarriedGirl.

She wouldn't let me away that easily though. We were soon spending hours chatting on our own and eventually had some wonderful phone conversations. We were both terribly careful with our feelings and, despite our flirtatiousness, always kept the other aware that we weren't looking for anything other than friendship. She lives in Australia, I'm in the States, we were both heavily-laden with baggage enough, there was no need to pile on more.

"This is great, but don't fall in love with me," was something we'd both said to the other, and we agreed not to. We even "shook" on it.

Things worked their way to an end with MarriedGirl, and FemmeAustralis and I spent more and more time chatting with just each other, eventually spending hours on the phone while both our respective lives were undergoing massive changes.

We both began to realize we were so much like the other that we could communicate the entirety of a deep and profound thought with but a simple phrase. Feelings developed that neither of us were admitting, but were as obvious as the increased amount of my phone bill.

Still, all I could bring myself to admit to her was that I felt the same way about her as I did Beer and Boobs. I understand that this isn't the same as admitting undying love for somebody, but for me at that time, it was pretty damn huge.

After successive nights of drinking myself into oblivion while on the phone with her, I finally laid off the liquor in an attempt to lend some context to what I was feeling towards her. Hours passed like minutes as we connected deeper than ever, and during a 'comfortable silence' in our conversation, I told her that I loved her.

She said it back instantly.

There was no backpedaling now. There was no more, "I BeerAndBoobs You." I'd gone and done it and there it was.

We fell in love.

Time passed slowly as the needing and the wanting grew exponentially. We were each as caught up in the moment as the other. I took a bold step, and booked a ticket to see her.

Obviously, my head wasn't on completely straight at the time, as I forgot some important things such as a passport, Travel Visa, and whether or not my ass was still attached to my torso. I admitted as such on here, and was mildly chastised as well as lavishly commended for such an impetuous decision.

Things got tough after that. The miles between us became more of an issue as we each needed something from the other that we simply couldn't have at the time. My thoughts shifted back towards living my life without my head in the clouds (or up my ass, your call) and hers shifted towards that which was actually tangible and visceral in her life as well.

Her recently acquired single status made it terribly difficult to focus on me, a voice on the phone and words on a screen, when there were other opportunities at love staring her square in the face. She needed so badly to feel me, to have me there, that it became too much to bear at the time.

We drifted apart.

I went back to drinking heavily and working my ass of at my job and, for the first time, began to doubt my decision to fly out there. I'd made a commitment though, and planned on seeing it through, regardless of what may actually be waiting for me on the other end. I knew I could make a good time of it anyway, and held on to the hope that things could somehow still work out.

Weeks passed, and I got on with my life, ignoring the ache inside that came whenever I thought of her. I focused my thoughts on understanding what was going on in her life and doing my best to be there for her if she needed, but I forgot to pay attention to what was going on with me.

Then, she came back to me.

She'd spent our time apart doing some serious thinking about what she really needed in her life. She ended up never pursuing any other options because she finally discovered that what she needed and wanted was me.

I was hurt, bitter, and resentful. I felt like I'd been taken for granted and failed to realize that I had in fact been appreciated more than I could ever have known.

I took a long, hard, look at myself, as well as a drunken weekend in Steamboat, and decided that we'd both been through some real shit, her especially, yet we were both still firmly where we'd been all along.

We've not only reconnected, but have grown into something that I could never have even fathomed in my lifetime.

As much as I would love to try, words cannot describe it accurately.

The best I can come up with is for you to try and imagine someone just like you. Think about all of the things that you love about yourself and all the things you don't.

Picture expressing this to someone else and hearing, feeling, and knowing that they feel the same way. Everything from how you like your steak, to music, to that layer of fat around your middle, to the way you sometimes feel unworthy of true love.

Now, look deeper, and think about everything you could ever hope for in someone who loves you. Think about every little way that they could show that love to you in a way that was exactly what you needed. Think about how you would love them, and all the little intricacies of how you'd show them as well as the GrandlySweepingRosesAndViolins ways, and how it would be exactly what they needed.

Imagine wanting to be that person for someone else, and them wanting to be that person to you as well. Imagine having boundless faith and determination in the thought that you both can and will be.

Picture that as best you can, and you've got a general idea of what this is.

I'm not a complete moron, though that is sometimes arguable, and I know that this all could be a complete fantasy, but I believe that if you do your absolute best to be a good person, good things will come to you.

I'm not religious, nor do I really believe in divine intervention, or miracles, or anything else that I don't have a hand in, but I don't think I have to.

I'm not asking to win the lottery or die a Viking's death and end up on a throne in Valhalla. I'm not asking for a break on a speeding ticket or a clerical error in my favor on my tax return.

I'm not asking for a New York Times Bestselling Author to pluck me out of the countless millions of blogs and offer me a book deal with his publisher, nor am I asking for the Bimini Bay Bikini Team to ask me to be their "oil boy" and travel the Caribbean with them.

The NHL will never call me and ask me to play for the Avs, and I'll never invent Beer or Cigarettes that taste good and aren't bad for you or Anonymous Safe Sex that doesn't involve that bastard Latex.

Everything in my life that I have, I've gotten because I've worked for it, and this is no different.

Once, just this once, I want to get everything I am hoping for.

I may be damned for even saying it, but I want to get what I feel like I deserve.

A chance at real love and true happiness.

The opportunity is there and it's real, and in... 4 days, 17 hours, and 35 minutes, I'm going after it with all I've got.

Wish me luck.

8:35 p.m. - 2005-04-02