In lieu of anything interesting and/or non-depressing in nature, I thought I'd give you:

A day in the life of Judd

4:16 AM - Wake up for no reason whatsoever. Shift uncomfortably in bed and accidentally kick dog in the head. Mutter apology to dog, and curse at her for seemingly-out-of-the-blue cuddliness.

6:19 AM - Wrestle mentally with A) the idea that getting up now means the day is fucked, just from it's earliness, and 2) the knowledge that blissful, dreamless sleep will finally occur roughly 7 minutes before alarm goes off.

7:29 AM - Drift off into blissful, dreamless sleep.

7:36 AM - Throw alarm clock across room. Marvel that, even in intense anger at the alarm and the violent actions towards it, it's safety was still considered, and it was thrown clothes hamper instead of the fucking wall.

7:37 AM - Realize that throwing something into my dirty underwear can't possibly be regarded as 'condsiderate,' but rather 'cruel as fuck.' Climb into shower and swing towel around, Jackie-Chan style, at swarm of mosquitos living in bathtub. Refuse to actually shower until they are all dead, dead, dead.

7:47 AM - Climb into the Football Helmet Truck, commence driving to work. Call every other driver a 'complete fuckhead' for anything that could possibly be perceived as a driving error, such as going less than 10 miles OVER the speed limit, or not stomping with full weight on the gas pedal the exact millisecond the light turns green. Realize that I don't really mean it 'cause I'm a grouchy fuck and, 10 miles later, silently apologize to the woman in the Toyota Rav4 that I called a 'shitsm0king c*ntbag.'

8:16 AM - Pull into work parking lot, maneuver racing-striped-mildly-pimped-out-creaking '98 Dakota directly between Lexus SUV and year-old Audi. Resent the fuck out of other vehicle's owners. Plop down in cube in eager anticipation of a breakfast of... coffee.

8:42 AM - Thoroughly enjoy cup of post-coffee-for-breakfast coffee. Spew post-coffee-for-breakfast coffee all over cubicle wall after realizing that the "Mini-Moos" creamer packets in the office fridge don't have expiration dates on them... and for-the-love-of-all-non-chunky-dairy-products should.

9:25 AM - Finish reading moronic emails and a few diaries. Treat self to a mid-morning snack of... coffee. Realize that Gayb0y brought his grinder in and what I'm drinking my be just about the bestest shit ever. Exclaim this loudly to neighboring cubes using that exact phrasing. Jump from chair when Gayb0y bounds quietly, yet aggressively, into cube asking if I really did like the coffee or was I, 'jussssst sssssaying thaaaat.'

10:45 AM - Finish preparing day for stuff-that-looks-like-work-but-we-all-know-really-isn't. Treat self to pre-lunch snack of... coffee. Slap at cheeks to stop them from vibrating from caffeine overload. Slap again at cheeks to check for feeling. Slap at hands to stop them from vibrating. Attempt to explain to co-workers all the slapping noises. Pee 17 times over the next hour.

11:35 AM - Consume lunch consisting of 32 oz. Baja Fresh cup of ice-cold water. After placing cup under spout in office breakroom, stand hunched facing water cooler with both hands at mid-section, and sigh loudly while filling cup noisily. Smirk at head-shaking and assorted laughter from lunching co-workers. Respond at being called 'juvenile' with 'nuh-unh, YOU are.' Giggle fiendishly, on the inside, at the incredibly lame 'look at me, I'm peeing into my own cup' joke. Giggle even more fiendishly after realizing that this joke was blatantly swiped from a buddy's diary and, in the event it would be written about, absolutely zero credit would be given much in the same way 'ninja', 'fucktard', and 'stab you in the face with a monkey gun' have all been swiped with little or no credit.

12:20 PM - Actually start working.

12:45 PM - Congratulate self on incredible productivity in such a short time. Celebrate by sitting on picnic tables outside for an hour and drinking Mountain Dew as we are all out of coffee. Revel in caffeine AND sugar high. Pinch cheeks in attempt to get them to stop vibrating.

1:45 PM - Fondly rembember the Sports section of the newspaper and the times reading it when it was actually necessary to sit when using the restroom at work. Cinch up belt on pants another notch. Return to desk and continue 'actual work.'

4:45 PM - Finish 'actual work' for the day. Congratuate self on incredibly productive day. Begin writing email/diary entry/random bullshit that causes tears/laughter/gas in the now-empty-except-for-Judd cubeworld.

5:15 PM - Go to boss's office to inform him of impending departure. Mistakenly ask if he needs anything else.

5:35 PM - Mistakenly attempt to verify that boss received exactly what he needed.

5:57 PM - Explain to boss that departure is happening regardless of his needs.

6:10 PM - Actually depart for home, pulling out of lonely parking lot in Rednecked-out Pickup Truck. Turn radio off and drive the entire way home with brooding, pensive look on face, yelling at no one.

6:45 PM - Arrive home to a bouncing Asshead, who still looks expectantly behind me for either the Girl or Dingbat, as she's sure that I've hidden them and they'll be along at any time. Placate her with big, chewy treat. Shake can of flake food vigorously while calling to frenzied fish, "Who's Hungryyyyyy?" Realize that the shaking motion of the can is what attracts fish to surface and most likely not calling them like a goddam dog. Ask out loud what kind of moron does such a thing. Feel like moron.

7:20 PM - Depart for cross-town drive to hockey game. Brood contemplatively entire drive while smoking several cigarettes.

8:45 PM - After 2 periods of hockey, realize that smoking several cigarettes before game wasn't the best idea. Cough. Cough again. Play like a RockStar. Win. Leave the bar at the rink, much to the dismay of teammates, and drive home while they party like RockStars with our Winning Pitchers of Beer. Smoke several more cigarettes during drive. Cough repeatedly.

9:56 PM - Write depressing shit in email/diary entry/Word doc.

11:08 PM - Go to bed. Cough for 10 minutes straight. Bitch at dog because she never wants to cuddle during waking hours. Purposely think about anything in the World but one particular subject in order NOT to dream about that particular subject.

1:24 AM - Fall asleep, dream in incredible detail about exactly that particular subject.