Hope this helps you out.

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BODY: I was trying to find a doctor for about 15 minutes, selected all the choices. You had FREE written all over the place. Then when i go to get my results, i have to pay 10 bucks. WHat the fuck is that. You fuckers are just greedy little assholes trying to find any way to make a little money. Go FUCK yourselves.

Dear Pissy Fagnosticator,

You�ve given us good reason to question our motives concerning our site, and we agree that we are indeed, �greedy little assholes.� We�ve chosen to give our reports away for free and pay all 70 of our employees in Pez samples from the grocery store across the street.

We�ve expanded our reports to now offer information we feel could benefit you such as:

We feel you will find these revamped reports to be very beneficial.

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BODY: i am looking for a psychiatrist familiar with and has patients who knows about paranormal, visions, dreams of death and disasters that come to pass, and has seen and felt the other side.

Dear LostAllTouchWithRealityAndDesparatelyNeedDrugs,

My spirit guide told me you'd be emailing soon and we�ve already gotten this information together for you.

The doctor's name is U.R. Ayfukinkook. He's very in touch with people like yourself and informs us he routinely �feels the other side.�

We can assure you that the fact that he told us this while his hand was down the back of his pants has no bearing on his credibility.

We have also added a column in our search criteria called �has seen and felt the other side� so that you may more easily search on these types of doctors.

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BODY: Why when you pay $24.95 plus tax fro the South Beach Diet is there nothing for a vegetarian??

Very Very Disappointing. There are supposedly 12.5 million vegetarians in the US.

Dear WhatTheHellSiteDidYouHonestlyThinkYouWereOn,

Apparently you have our site and services confused with those offered at

www.youreacompletegotard.com.

Before filling out an online form, we strongly suggest that you first bang your head repeatedly against a solid surface while chanting, �Why am I so fucking stupid?�

For best results, complete no fewer than 173 repetitions of such and, if you lose consciousness, when you wake, simply pick up where you left off.

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BODY: You are listing an XXXXX XXXXX in Arizona. She is currently being charged with NUMEROUS counts of animal cruelty. She could be charged with a felony. Do you feel comfortable recommending her on your listing?

I would not feel comfortable sending ANY human to her, let alone an animal.

Perhaps you should do some research to see if you want to keep her on your list. That is just my personal opinion and I wanted to make you aware in case you were not. I'm sure you can find information on the horrible charges on the XXXXX website, or on the court or justice department pages in XXXXX, Arizona.

Dear YouSeriouslySpentTimeTypingThat,

Thank you for your diligence. We�ve spoken to our Database people, and have now removed the field, "Actively Abuses Animals" from our reports.

We�ve been informed that this still won�t exclude those that are classified as �enjoy sex with deceased animals�, as the issue of whether or not this is �abuse� is still up for debate.

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BODY: can you get gray hair from stress, i know that heritary plays a factor

Dear YourParentsObviouslyHatedYou,

Our research indicates that gray hair is predominantly caused by receiving emails from people who are so incredibly fucking stupid that they can�t even start a car/toaster, not from �heritary�.

To spare your natural hair�s color, we recommend avoiding such folks.

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BODY: I want to know how to add a VERY URGENT message to a doctors report so no one else will enocounter the horrible surgical results I did? This man is NOT a plastic surgeon for facial plastic surgery...I cant close my eyes...I have blurred vision .the forehead lift is horrible...there are retention stitches NEXT TO MY EYE!!!! My cheeks have uneven indentations. when I smile one of my cheeks is "Stuck" to the bone of my face"..I have scars that have to be taken off my face now by another plastic surgeon caused by him. My eyelid is scared and below my eyes have half inch scars. The sides of my face have four inch scars...he did the facelift in front of my hairline instead of in it. a laser surgeon is going to try to minimize those. This has to be added to his history. How do I do this before he cuts someone else??

Dear Stitchy Von Frankenstein,

Without the doctor�s name we can only assume that you are referring to a doctor practicing the specialty referred to as, �Cutting up drunken idiots.� While this specialty is rare, you would do best to, in the future, avoid any doctor that:

We recommend you pour steak sauce on what�s left of your face, lay down in the alley you received your operation in, and let the rats chew your head gristle into little brown turds. Seriously, is that any worse than how it is now?

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BODY: i am thinking of renting a room from someone who claims to be psychatrist, he is, I believe to be from lattin america, he said he is rarly home becase he travelsto diferent citys, to do therapy. Something seems a little stange to me, I just want to know if he is legit, I am meting with him tonigt at 7:30 pm, to discuss rentting the room, there are already people rentting other roomes he has. i spoke with them and they say he is a nice man, but I want to be sure he is what he says he is, I didn't find anything in your dirrectory. He told me he was in town seeing a few patients yesterday (6-03-04). This is Texas, so would he be listed in the data base if he practises in the area and was lisensed in an other country, could you find any information on him for me, please?

Dear WeAreNotFuckingMindReaders,

We at MyCompany do not offer rental advice, especially when you don�t provide us with a fucking name, but we still feel we can help you. This may be a difficult task as your head seems firmly wedged in your rectal canal, but we are willing to give it a go.

Things with this �psychatrist� may seem �stange� because, for starters, you have the spelling capabilities of a constipated orangutan. He may be from �lattin America� but it�s a good bet that he�s speaking a language you have no grasp of called... English.

We can offer the advice that, if his �patients� or other �renters� seem to be of the simian variety, you should fit right in.

Try to remember that the BLUE button is for food and the RED button gives you a mild shock.

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BODY: I am a medical typist searching for the proper name and spelling of what sounds like "Dr. XXXXX" who performs prophylactic endarterectomies of the right carotid system for stenosis. Thank you!

Dear UsesBigWordsToImpressPeople,

First, try a fucking phone book. None of us here at MyCompany have ever heard of the shit that you just spouted so freely.

It did make us giggle convulsively when you mentioned �prophylactic� and, to be honest, everything after that was just a blur.

If you want to sound so goddam smart, go to your local grocery store and ask the clerk if he�s heard of your goddam smartass doctor. If he hasn�t, we recommend you rake the tied-down-pen-chain-on-the-counter across his neck until you can ask the manager your question, smartypants.

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BODY: I have used cocaine and as a result my septom has damage. Is there any kind of surgery I can get to help repair it?

Dear DrugsTurnedMyBrainToTapioca,

Wow, �septum� damage? What were you "using" the cocaine for? We at MyCompany use it to spice up our baked dishes, but that's never hurt our "septoms" before.

Surgery? No. You should try "snorting" the cocaine and, if you've done this already, try snorting more. A pound at least.

And then some fiberglass shards. And Drano.

That should fix you right up.

Idiot.

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BODY: Please send me a magizine of your products can't find. I'm looking for a Egg creat back supporter for my bed. 111-555-1111

Dear WasteOfOxygen,

You appear to be under the misconception that we cater to people that haven�t shat what was left of their intelligence out of their retarded asses.

Please take what can be referred to as �your head� and wedge it firmly under the nearest 16-inch radial tire. Since you provided us with your phone number, please wait there until we call with further instructions.

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BODY: My husband received 220 volts of electricity at work. Do you know of a Doctor that specializes in electrical shock survivors? We are having trouble finding a physician that knows and "believes" what he is going through is the result of the electrical shock. We are so desperate to find help with this.

Dear MaybeHesJustStupid,

If your husband exhibits symptoms such as: Frequently wetting himself, forgetting his name, or finding Wayne Brady funny, we suggest that maybe he�s just a drooling fucking moron, and you should proceed with the systematic elimination of his life-providing air-supply.

If you truly �believe� that his symptoms are from electric shock and are seeking a physician, we can recommend any that are under the specialty heading �SADISTS.�

We�ve found that they EXCEL in matters of electrical shock.

Good Luck.

My heart goes out to anyone who works in any facet of Customer Service in this day and age. The exceptionally retarded seem to be running amok, and, without you fine folks, people like myself would be instructing them to find the nearest screwdriver and plunge it into their ear.