So, the Porcine one is closing up the Diaryland shop. Alas, end of an era, and all that sad shit.

Truth is, he's getting paid to write funny shit now, instead of just doing it for the dings that run rampant on his comments page. While I always, always wish him nothing but the best (despite what I wrote in his guestbook about flambe-ing his testicles - that was all out of love), I find myself turning several shades of envious mauve. It may be the giant burrito I had for lunch, it may be that I would fucking love to get paid to type my incessant ramblings on my greasy keyboard. Who wouldn't?

Problems arise with this dream o' mine though. A) I have the proportionate amount of talent to Pork as an elephant to a caterpillar's dick, and 2) I can't think of a journalistic entity on this planet that could possibly have readers that are interested in elephants and/or caterpillar genitalia.

While I can't do much about "A" and I have no ambition to, I figure I can bypass "2."

I've decided to write books. Wildly successful books, no less.

They may be a little short (a couple pages), but bear with me.

First one, "JuddHole's Guide To A Successful Diet."

It goes like this, "Eat less shit and get off your incredibly fucking lazy ass.

Calories in has to be less than calories out, you worthless, lardass, shitbag."

Like I said, it's pretty short, but I bet if I throw in some before and after pictures, I'll sell millions. Everybody knows diet books sell like crazy. I'll put something about "low-carb" on the cover, and BAM, I'm hot.

Next book, "A Guy's Guide To One-Night Stands."

"Lesson 1: Skip 'em.

Get a Playboy, a bottle of Lubriderm, and a six-pack of beer. Drink the beer and� well� let the evening take its course.

Sure it's harder to brag to your buddies about your score, but there's a lot less to clean up."

This one may not sell as many copies, but it'll be followed up by "A Guy's Guide To Oinking Your Doink," which will be a must have for all single guys. Plus, lots and lots of pictures of all the hot chicks you could be having, but instead are schlobbin' your knob.

Last one will be, "How To Stink Like Shoe Without Anyone Really Knowing."

I'm not sure what exactly will reside in that one, but it'll be a well-rounded conglomeration of gaseous emissioning and shower skipping. Probably no pictures, but there will be diagrams and blueprints in the "How to Rip Ass in Coworkers Cube" section.

Wait, I've got it. A sure-fire money-maker. A book that is all about me, passing on my vast wisdom to the masses. Everything from rescuing cats and drinking beer to proper mooning techniques and how not to shit yourself while drunk.

I'd probably read it, but I'm simple like that.

Good luck, WhiteMeat Disaster, and wish me luck with my book on how to be the toughest fucker in the room while wearing a skirt.

---

Our wireless at home has been slow lately and, while the Girl thinks it's because of the spyware-hijacking-bullshit that briefly took over our computer because I was looking at clown porn again, I disagreed and checked with our ISP. They were incredibly helpful and I plan on giving this guy very positive feedback once our service is back up.

----- Original Message -----

From: Eric HelperGuy

To: [email protected]

Sent: Tuesday, July 13, 2004 9:40 AM

Subject: Re: Slow Connection Speed

JuddHole,

We tested the area around you for any current changes in our network and found that one of our PTRs is down. This PTR is located at the 4900 block, close to the intersection of XXXXX and XXXXX. A trouble ticket to fix this PTR has been created and it should be fixed as soon as possible. (Most likely the end of this week) If you have any further questions please don't hesitate to email me or call us.

Sincerely,

Eric HelperGuy

WirelessExceptForPorn Inc.

-----Original Message-----

From: JuddHole [mailto:[email protected]]

Sent: Tuesday, July 13, 2004 9:42 AM

To: Eric HelperGuy

Subject: Re: Slow Connection Speed

Right� the ummm� PTR� Sounds good. Yeah, get that sucker fixed and stuff.

Shit man, no wonder, that PTR hooyah is the one right by my house. I guess I'm just glad that it's not the fact that I picked up a bunch of spyware hijackers and shit while I was� um� perusing the internet and doing my banking. I wasn't on bignastytittiewhores.com. Honestly, I wasn't. You guys can't check that can you?

Seriously, I gotta wait all week to start downloading my porn� uh� BANK stuff again?

JuddHole

----- Original Message -----

From: Eric HelperGuy

To: JuddHole

Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2004 11:34 AM

Subject: RE: Slow Connection Speed

JuddHole,

The radio that was down by your address has just been fixed.

Sincerely,

Eric HelperGuy

WirelessExceptForPorn Inc.

-----Original Message-----

From: JuddHole [mailto:[email protected]]

Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2004 11:34 AM

To: Eric HelperGuy

Subject: Re: Slow Connection Speed

SWEET! Big Nasty Titties� um� I mean, BANKING stuff here I come! It'll all be mine, Mine, I tell you, MINE!

JuddHole

----- Original Message -----

From: Eric HelperGuy To: JuddHole

Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2004 2:35 PM Subject: RE: Slow Connection Speed

JuddHole,

I have some bad news for you, your browsing might be delayed until Friday. The Pole Top Radio that was fixed went down again as they were programming it. There appear to bee some power issues which is what killed it twice now. Since the Electric company now needs to get involved in fixing this it will not be as fast as we thought it would be. Sorry for the Delays.

Sincerely,

Eric HelperGuy

WirelessExceptForPorn Inc.

-----Original Message-----

From: JuddHole [mailto:[email protected]]

Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2004 2:46 AM

To: Eric HelperGuy

Subject: Re: Slow Connection Speed

Dude, poles "go down."

I understand.

As long as it's not "down" because of my constant viewing of stuff "going down on poles," then we're cool. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Nah-meen?

If I'm in desperate need of mad amounts of porn, I'll pack up the laptop and drive to a few blocks up the street. You don't think my neighbors to the North will mind me parked in front of their house while I stare transfixed at the laptop, giggle fiendishly, and masturbate furiously, do you?

Crap, my fiance might, though. Shit, she's suspicious if the conditioner bottle is out on the side of the tub for too long.

I know, I'll tell her I'm out "getting milk."

Think that'll fly?

JuddHole

----- Original Message -----

From: Eric HelperGuy

To: JuddHole

Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2004 2:35 PM

Subject: RE: Slow Connection Speed

JuddHole,

The PTR will be fixed soon. You will have full service by COB Friday. You should still have intermittent service until then, but it's possible that there may be areas of better reception a few blocks north of your location.

Sincerely,

Eric HelperGuy

WirelessExceptForPorn Inc.

Not only did he not succumb to my adolescent attempts to get him into jerkin' talk, but he gave me advice on how best to get my yank on.

Now that's service.