I turned on that piece-of-shit-talking-box in the living room for the first time in a week or so and flipped through the channels, eventually landing on Erin Brockovich.

It's got Julia Roberts in short skirts, so I turned the sound off and enjoyed the view while I drew pretty pictures of stuff and worked on making a kilt.

I remember when that movie came out, somebody mentioned that the real chick it's about plays a waitress in it.

That got me thinking.

When they're finally smart enough to make a movie out of my life, I'm going to be ready for 'em. I've got the cast all picked out.

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The part of my father will be played by Michael Jeter. You may know him as that squeaky-voiced, odd-ball, southern, little shit on some 80's sitcom.

It's not that my old man shares any of those characteristics, but the physical similarities are enough.

Give him darker hair, and it's my old man, perfectly. They're both tiny too, like 5'5" or so.

I've never pointed any fingers, but I've reminded the Mom that I'm 6'2" and so is the UPS guy, and we both have Hazel-Green eyes.

I just checked though, and this dude is dead.

That's cool, I don't want my old man in the movie of my life anyway. As long as we can cast somebody to shout derogatory shit at me from off-camera and effectively cast me out on my own at age 15, that'll work just fine.

Uffda, SOMEbody's got some unresolved issues*.

*I'll give you a hint: it's me.

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The Mom, in all her amazingness, can only be matched, both physically and spiritually, by one of my most favorite heroines of all time, Sigourney Weaver.
This chick has been the ever-loving shiznit since she blasted that acid-blooded fucker out of the air-lock in Alien.

She looks enough like her, and rocketh the knowneth Universeth, like her, to fully take on the role of the Mom.

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The Brother is quite possibly the coolest individual on the planet. Think of James Bond, Wesley Snipes, and Iceman (see below) all rolled into one. Think of the coolest guy you know and the coolest thing they've ever done. My brother is that guy, all the fucking time.

Growing up behind that wasn't easy, and probably accounts for what a monumental tool that I am to this day.

If you ever met the Brother, the physical similarities between him and his actor counterpart would freak you the fuck out.

Again, I'm not one to point any fingers at the Mom, but the Brother and Val Kilmer look too much alike for them not to share the same DNA.

Seriously, it's eerie, they could be twins.

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I figured I'd work with actors that are roughly the same age, as well as those that look like the primary players in my life.

Plus, there's no way I can post this many friggin pictures without throwing in the token hot chick.

The part of the (ex)Girl will be played by Laura Prepon not only because they actually DO look a lot alike, but because Laura recently went blonde, now looks even more like the (ex)Girl, and totally turns my crank.

This one shows her looking most like the (ex)Girl.

And this one is for the select few dudes that actually read this ridiculous excuse for a blog.
Uffda. Gimme a minute.

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Yeah, thought you guys'd like that.

You're welcome.

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The part of JuddHole was a tough one. I'm not really good-looking enough for any actors to be popular and still look like me. Plus, ages and body-style are too tough to match up. You know, 'cause I'm all tough 'n shit, and actors are all weakly. Not at all because actors have personal-trainer-personal-nutritionist bodies and I have 12-pack-a-day-love-handles.

I've got a little Jim Carrey in me, but he's too good-looking and too old.

I'm told I can look like John Travolta when I smile, but he's too old. Um, yeah... and he's way, way, way too fucking good looking.

One of my asshole hockey buddies threw this one at me the other day and, while it caused me to smack him in the junk with a roll of tape, it occurred to me that he's actually pretty accurate.

The starring role in, "The Life and Times of JuddHole," will be played by...
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... wait for it...

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That fuckhead, Jared, from those goddam eat-fuckin-sandwiches-and-not-be-a-fat-fuck-anymore ads.

You've all seen 'em, I'm sure, and while you'll probably all agree that there is no one on this planet in more dire need of a cock-punching than this absolute fuckbutton, we do share a certain resemblance.

In fact, several years ago, a hockey buddy of mine started a funny-as-fuck paper called, The Onion, that had Jared right behind Bono on the Top Ten list of people that need a good cock-punching.

Once, during a game, OnionGuy was coming in on a breakaway, and ate shit right after crossing center ice, with nobody near him. I took this opportunity to remind him, "Watch out for the red line! It'll jump right outta the ice and trip you up sometimes!"

I'm pretty sure that got me into the number 11 spot on that list, hence my motivation for using Asswipe, Jared, for the starring role.

I know he's a complete lame-ass, but I figure with me on-set, feeding him Tequila and Hawken Chewing Tobacco, while repeatedly flicking him in the cockandballs, he'll start acting like me in no time.

There will probably be an appearance by Katie Holmes, or at least her nose, but that remains to be seen.

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At work, they've been clamoring for "baby" pictures all frickin' week. There's some sort of contest between each department for how many members can provide pictures of themselves from the ages 3 to 8.

We get to vote on 'em too. Some sort of shit like "Most likely to be an MVP in professional sports" and "Most likely to become a wildly popular p0rn star." Plus, you get a prize if you can guess who somebody is and stupid shit like that.

I had to ask the Mom for pictures, as all I have anymore are pictures of me being a drunken fucking idiot. Instead of "a" picture though, she drops the whole freakin' photo album by my office today.

I gotta admit, it was pretty goddam fun to go through a 24-year old photo album. All of a sudden, Sigourney couldn't hold a candle to the Mom's beauty, there was no way that Val could look like that crooked-toothed-freckled-face little shit in those pics, and it would be inconceivable for Fuckhead Jared to be as cute as that scrawny little fucker grinning like a thief as he reeled in his first trout ever.

Although I don't remember much about being 4 years old, a trip down memory lane is good for anybody.

Then, the JackAss that lives in my body found the perfect picture for this retarded 'contest.'

I think I'm about 4 in this picture and it was taken while the family was out grouse hunting.

I almost pissed myself when I saw it.

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... wait for it...

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Turning in that photo may have been a mistake though, as any male at MyCompany will guess it easily.

Because I still pee that way.